Your Winter 2019 Horoscope

This season, Capricorns are in for an unexpected financial windfall, Aquarius will struggle with time management and Pisces and Libras will be discouraged from their unrealistic dreams.



This month will bring you immense joy and happiness—in the form of $8 worth of bitcoin! It’s true that very few stores take payment in bitcoin. However, the universe has come prepared! Fear not, because Straub Auto Repairs of Hastings, New York will gladly accept your virtual currency! Google it!


Your tendency to procrastinate will catch up with you at absolutely the worst time possible. Don’t believe me? Then you’ll be shocked when it’s the night before a big test and you’re still up at 3 AM, slowly sinking deeper and deeper into a void of conspiracy theory mini-documentaries and X Factor audition videos. Good luck, Aquarius. 


Oh, Pisces. I hate to break it to you, but it appears that the universe strongly advises against your dreams of becoming a professional waterslide tester. This may be hard to hear for some of you out there, so I suggest you nip your quixotic ideals in the bud. Suppress the dream now before false hope leads you down a slippery slide of failure. 


The universe suggests that you will grow enthralled by the ancient art and practice of basket-weaving this month. Who knows–it is the fall season, so you may even find yourself weaving a cornucopia or two. However, beware obsession: your interest may progress to the point where you find yourself constantly weaving, hopelessly lost within a sea of pine straws and fine wooden splints. 


You are notoriously tough. Sticks and stones may break your bones, and words may never hurt you. However, words sure do hurt when a 2,662-page edition of the Webster’s Third New International Dictionary is hurled at you by an anonymous assassin at top speeds. So I say avoid the library at all costs. 


Existential crises await you! This month will be the month of, like, realizing stuff. Especially the intense and often quite unbearable realization of truly how small you are within the expansive scheme of our precious universe. 


Two words. Question. Everything. That’s it. That’s your horoscope. May the universe forever be with you.


At some point this month, you will lock eyes with your true love. However, my astrology chart was unclear about whether that true love is going to be a legitimate person or simply a delectable pint of Ben & Jerry’s famous Half Baked ice cream. Same difference, I suppose.


Oh, what a wonderful month to be a Virgo! Not only will you discover new ways to further your achievements in the academic stratosphere that we call high school (*yawn*), but also you will discover the answer to life, the universe, and everything! Good for you!


Many things fly: birds, insects, and time are among many great examples. But, hey–you know what doesn’t fly? People. People don’t fly. And because of this, the universe has asked me to kindly inform you that no, you cannot construct the first ever set of successful human wings with only a few sticks you found on the ground, duct tape, and a discount bag of feathers that you got at Michael’s. Please stop trying!


Happy Birthday month to all the Scorpios of the world! Agh, how you all grow up so fast! [Wipes tear.] In light of your celebratory annual aging ritual, the universe has gifted you with several slices of delectable Stop & Shop brand carrot cake! Each slice will be thrown disorderly into the front flap of your backpack at random times, so be sure to keep an eye out for that. This gift cannot be returned. 


As alarming as it may sound, you seem to have a very busy month ahead of you. Fear not! All you must do is remember that nothing  is more important in life than the ability to manage time. Excluding dogs.